Stirring Point

It’s not the black eyes or split lips that bother me. I can live with the occasional staph infection or some stitches in the chin. It’s the moment when I quit, when I give up, that I can’t endure. It’s my collapsing willpower that serves as my kryptonite, wringing out my guts for all they’re worth.

Jiu jitsu—a grappling-based martial art I’ve practiced for the last 7 years—has become analogous to the way I see my willpower in the world. With enough pressure, targeted and sustained, I eventually buckle under the weight of exhaustion. To clarify, I’m never upset when I tap to something that will break my arm or tear my knee apart. In fact, I’m proud of my opponents when they show up and grind, and I’m proud of myself for choosing my health over my ego.

It’s my capitulation, my surrender, that tears me down. “Bruised and battered” can still bring a fight. But acquiescence? Not so much. Some days, the simple act of making it to training is daunting. I’ve got a lot going on with work; I have writing to do; I’m worn down from the last session. Exceptions occur, but mostly, these are bullshit excuses. Jiu jitsu is exhausting and some days, I’m looking for a way out. 

At times, the modern world feels this way, too. Wars, hatred, and the poison in our politics implore me to look away from the wreckage. Transgressions have morphed into normal behavior and decency has been publicly executed. The actual behavior of our leaders straddles allegory and satire, many of whom could have jumped straight from the pages of Animal Farm. What madness is this? Are we devolving as a species? I check their hands for thumbs to ensure they’re not baring cloven hooves.

I see it all and want to stuff my head in the sand. Perpetual chaos may be a perception, but perceptions, as we know, are reality. Consumption of the chaos feels poisonous. Overconsumption seems lethal. The informational scaffolding seems hellbent on hammering us into attrition. Any effort we mount to fight back feels Pyrrhic.

So what do we do? Perhaps the wisest approach is a common platitude: choose our battles to conserve our energy for what really matters. Or maybe it’s the above, along with the recognition that our willpower is weak, and it needs reinforcing.

Modern world or combat sport, we must find ways to bolster our foundations to make us more resilient to advancing pressures. Throttling streams of trash behavior will reduce our exposure, and that’s a good start. But we can’t keep our heads in the sand. To reshape reality, we must see it for what it is. Pyrrhic or not, we’ll be a little stronger tomorrow for the resistance we managed today. Sleep comes easiest when we know we haven’t given up.

Play to the last down. Fight until the round ends. And when you see me, please remind me to do the same.